chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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