Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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