You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
