How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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