took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
