I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
