A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
