We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
