god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
