my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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