I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
