i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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