When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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