You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
