Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
