1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
