Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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