last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
