Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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