it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
