In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
