My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
