I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I need a burrito and a hug.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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