Where is the hickey?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
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She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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