im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
