Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
