please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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