$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
