her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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