Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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