This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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