the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
