Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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