make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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