it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
