i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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