before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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