Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
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Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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