went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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