I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
