I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
