Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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