please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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