He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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