she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
