my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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