i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
