You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
