saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
