Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
