Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
