Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
