She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
