im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
