If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
